Dear Reader:

Today I am leaving to go to Conway to spend the night and attend a presentation Friday- Veterans Day- (by my brother at his local church) about his memoirs of Vietnam in his book called Grace Under Fire. My “Ya” friend, Libby, is also going…she has been instrumental in her research…helping Ben throughout the writing of his book. Libby…you are amazing!

I can think of no better way to spend Veterans Day than listening to Ben tell his story. It has been a long time coming…years of hiding behind a demeanor that blocked out questions on his service in Vietnam, bouts of aloofness, and emotional hindrances causing relationship failures due to his lack of trust in anything stable or normal.

My brother is sharing bits of his story to help others suffering from PTSD- Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder. He is doing what God saved him to do…It is an important benchmark day in Ben’s life.

Ben is hoping the book will be ready for distribution by Christmas…*I will keep you updated when it all comes to pass if you are interested in purchasing the book.

Here is the overview of it: Grace Under Fire: A Marine’s Fight for Life in War and Peace-  C.Ben Barbour

Overview:

Grace Under Fire is a powerful story of an American marine’s harrowing 13-months of combat in the Vietnam War – and his equally desperate battle against post-traumatic stress disorder in peacetime. From deadly, ferocious fighting in the jungles of Vietnam to bureaucratic battles with the Veterans Administration back home, Grace Under Fire presents the heart-rending and often overlooked drama endured by America’s Vietnam veterans. Amidst the heart-pounding moments of combat and the off-and-on agony of PTSD, author Ben Barbour consistently experiences the grace of God, leading him through the valley of the shadow and calling him to the light of salvation.

As a war memoir, Grace Under Fire is powerful in its realistic depiction of the gritty daily life of a combat marine in Vietnam, and is at times riveting in its description of the reality of combat – including the epic and tragic Battle of DaiDo in 1968. As a personal story, it is heart-rending in its deeply personal depiction of the struggles and suffering experienced by America’s Vietnam veterans in an often uncaring culture. As a testimony of faith, it is both memorable and inspiring!

The Author: Ben Barbour is a licensed psychologist and a combat veteran of the Vietnam War, in which he served as a front-line rifleman and machine gunner in the United States Marine Corps. He is a retired school psychologist with 29 years of experience in educational positions in Iowa, North Carolina and South Carolina. Drawing from his personal experience with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and his professional training and experience, he has lectured extensively on behavior disorders. His articles have been published in Best Practices in School Psychology, The Communique and other professional journals, and he is a contributor to the book When a Child Struggles in School by Dr. Thomas Jenkins. His experiences in combat and his struggle with PTSD were instrumental in his professing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. He is now retired and lives in South Carolina.

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Like the overview states…Ben’s book is a combination of the action and events he witnessed in Vietnam, but also, it is about the harder battle of re-entering society under the disguise of a “normal” person who feels anything but normal.

Here is a short excerpt from Chapter 8- It describes his initial denial about his fragile emotional condition upon returning home in 1969.

 “He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”— Hebrews 13:5

Chapter 8

Chasing the White Rabbit: The Power of Denial

The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs His steps” — Proverbs 16:9

I attended the University of South Carolina, prior to entering the Marine Corps, and with those credits I was a student at Erskine College for about two and half years. Most of the male students were worried about the military draft…but that was one worry I did not share with my classmates.

*(Ben had already been to Vietnam when he returned to Erskine College where I and his younger brother, David, were attending…hard to believe that for over a year all three siblings were together again.) Now back to Ben…

Since some Biblical classes were required, I talked to some of the theology professors about what they thought God’s feelings were regarding killing and war. They seemed to have mixed opinions regarding the topic – “Is there a difference between killing and an act of murder?” I doubt God approves of war but if you read of the constant fighting as it occurs in the Old Testament – God is surely familiar with the concept and activity of war.

On one particular day, the weekly assembly prayer was conducted by a long-haired young man who petitioned God to forgive us for being in Vietnam and for all the destruction our country had brought to that country. I made sure that the school officials knew how I felt about the inappropriateness of the prayer. I made my point… without anybody getting hurt. However, that prayer really ticked me off and I made my point of view very clear.

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in the field of Psychology and immediately got a job close to the town where my mother lived. I worked as a psychological counselor at a regional center for the Developmentally Disabled. I commuted from home to my workplace about twenty miles away.

Mom never brought up the subject of Vietnam although she knew that I was hiding the pain of bad memories, bad dreams, guilt and unexpressed anger. The anger was a genuine problem, which kept boiling and seeking an outlet. I was not on any medications and probably should have been.

I never discussed my involvement in Vietnam to anybody. If asked about my military service, I simply said that I was in the military and was in Vietnam and that was the end of the conversation. To me, what happened in Vietnam was not a topic for casual conversation.

I would not have been able to explain war and my involvement with it. To be truthful, the person asking about Vietnam really did not want to know what happened and would not have understood my experience. It was easier simply to change the subject without being rude. Surprisingly, my uncles and cousins sometimes inquired about the war but they never pushed me about my experiences and I did not encourage a lot of discussion.

Although I knew I was not doing well in my adjustment to civilian life, only my immediate family could see the struggle for normalcy. I seemed to bounce between introversion and extroversion. The dreams continued and it was not uncommon to wake up with a soaked bed from tears and sweat. In the dreams, I could hear the screams and smell the blood. Even if I had wanted counseling, it would not be readily available.

During this time, there was no disorder called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the idea of going for counseling was an admission of personal weakness. In my mind, I just felt that I needed to “toughen up” and these problems would “go away”. It was during this time that I decided that the way to handle this problem was to “pass for normal” at work and then sometimes “fall apart” at night. I followed that pattern until I retired in 2009.

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So until tomorrow… for Veterans Day I will share a couple of incidents from Ben’s experiences in Vietnam and how God was sending him signs as fast as He could to guide him from danger…that would result in Ben’s ultimate physical survival (with a lot of survivor’s guilt mixed in) but not his spiritual one. That would take a lifetime.

“Today is my favorite day”  Winnie the Pooh